Motherhood

Being a Mom is hard.  People say that to you when you become pregnant.  You believe it but you don't fully understand.  Women will talk about the pains of childbirth, the early sleepless nights, the terrible twos, teething, sickness, fatigue.  They will share their stories.  Which we all need. We need these stores.  We NEED to talk about all of this.  We rarely talk about ourselves though.  We rarely discuss the loneliness, the guilt, the boredom, or even the yearning for a previous life.

I wasn't in love with my daughter.  Not at first.  Everyone tells you that when a baby is born it will change your life.  That you can never imagine loving something more.  I cried big hot tears when they first put her on my chest.  Tears of relief and exhaustion.  I knew that she was mine.  That I wanted to protect her, care for her, and do what was best for her.  But I also didn't know her.  Our love affair was a slow one.  Getting to know each other.  Her revealing her brilliant shining personality one small moment at a time.  And then one day there it was.  That unimaginable love.  The kind that brings tears back when I think of anything happening to her.  I had a lot of guilt at first about not being bonded with her.  People asked if I just couldn't get enough of her.  If I just wanted her with me all the time.  Nope.  I needed space.  I needed to be me without being a Mom. 

These days its hard to find space in a small camper with a one year old.  She sleeps in the same room as us.  She cries, she snores, she coos--she wakes up really damn early.  As a Mom, Photographer, Navigator, Wife, and Researcher I'm still trying to find the balance in myself. And we need to talk about that.  There are days I just want to be one thing.  I just want to be a photographer that day.  Or I just want to be a tourist.  Or I just want to be a lover.  It is easy to get overwhelmed by all the roles and demands.  To pine for a simpler time instead of being present in this whirlwind.  Right now there are no babysitters.  All of my roles are full on all the time and I would be lying if I said it wasn't exhausting. 

But its also beautiful.  There is a lot of living in my life right now.  I get to experience a beautiful world that I shamefully haven't seen before.  I get to roam streets and woods and beaches and swamps.  I wash our daughter under the full moon.  I sing her to sleep amidst the background of crickets, tree frogs, and cicadas.  I read.  I photograph what is before me.  I talk about what is whispering to my soul.  I tell myself the truths I need to know.  It's okay to be overwhelmed.  Live here now.  You are enough.

Why Bare Sessions Should Be for You

Today I was looking around on the interwebs for inspiration and came across this article in Magnolia Rouge (one of my favorite wedding inspiration sites).  

Artistic Boudoir Shoot in the Colorado Mountains

These images are STUNNING.  Absolutely stunning.  I love the airiness, the light, but above all I love that these are unique.  They are personal because they are telling a story.  They bring the Bride's talents and passion into the session and it takes it to the next level.

I am a firm believer in the idea that you must do things for yourself first.  While this may sound selfish at first, it's actually quite the opposite.  For example, in an emergency situation on a plane adults are asked to first put on their own oxygen mask and then help their child.  You have to make sure you are in a place to help others.  Elizabeth Gilbert goes into this topic in her book, "Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear."  If you're into living creatively, I highly suggest you check it out.  It's kind of my jam right now.  

This is a lesson that I have really taken to heart over the past year as a new Mom.  It used to be that I could push myself beyond my limits.  I was notorious for pushing hard until I emotionally and physically crashed and burned.  As a Mom though, I HAD to take care of myself first.  I had to eat enough calories to breastfeed.  I had to sleep when I could or I wouldn't later.  I had to take moments of peace when I got them to stay sane.  (Those should be HAVE since it's still ongoing!)  But I believe these principals also flow over into our passions and our personal needs.  Even if you do a selfless job like volunteering for charity, it has to be because you love it for you first.  Otherwise you won't be able to give of yourself more and more.

So what the hell does all this have to do with getting naked and taking pictures?  As I have stated many many times.  Bare Sessions (or boudoir if you're fancy) are all about vulnerability, openness, and trust.  And therefore they need to be for yourself first.  You are giving of yourself, you are opening yourself up, and you are allowing someone else to see YOU.  And I truly believe that is a beautiful thing to share.  And SHOULD be shared.  But if you are doing it because you want someone to see you a certain way, or to strive for perfection, or to be someone your not...it falls flat.  Authenticity is the key to beauty in my opinion.  Authenticity is what takes those images to the next level.  So be you.  Be true to yourself.  Be passionate.  And do it for you.