Being a Mom is hard. People say that to you when you become pregnant. You believe it but you don't fully understand. Women will talk about the pains of childbirth, the early sleepless nights, the terrible twos, teething, sickness, fatigue. They will share their stories. Which we all need. We need these stores. We NEED to talk about all of this. We rarely talk about ourselves though. We rarely discuss the loneliness, the guilt, the boredom, or even the yearning for a previous life.
I wasn't in love with my daughter. Not at first. Everyone tells you that when a baby is born it will change your life. That you can never imagine loving something more. I cried big hot tears when they first put her on my chest. Tears of relief and exhaustion. I knew that she was mine. That I wanted to protect her, care for her, and do what was best for her. But I also didn't know her. Our love affair was a slow one. Getting to know each other. Her revealing her brilliant shining personality one small moment at a time. And then one day there it was. That unimaginable love. The kind that brings tears back when I think of anything happening to her. I had a lot of guilt at first about not being bonded with her. People asked if I just couldn't get enough of her. If I just wanted her with me all the time. Nope. I needed space. I needed to be me without being a Mom.
These days its hard to find space in a small camper with a one year old. She sleeps in the same room as us. She cries, she snores, she coos--she wakes up really damn early. As a Mom, Photographer, Navigator, Wife, and Researcher I'm still trying to find the balance in myself. And we need to talk about that. There are days I just want to be one thing. I just want to be a photographer that day. Or I just want to be a tourist. Or I just want to be a lover. It is easy to get overwhelmed by all the roles and demands. To pine for a simpler time instead of being present in this whirlwind. Right now there are no babysitters. All of my roles are full on all the time and I would be lying if I said it wasn't exhausting.
But its also beautiful. There is a lot of living in my life right now. I get to experience a beautiful world that I shamefully haven't seen before. I get to roam streets and woods and beaches and swamps. I wash our daughter under the full moon. I sing her to sleep amidst the background of crickets, tree frogs, and cicadas. I read. I photograph what is before me. I talk about what is whispering to my soul. I tell myself the truths I need to know. It's okay to be overwhelmed. Live here now. You are enough.